Cynthia gives her mother a kiss on the cheek and tells her she is so proud… oh this gives me ALL the feels…. Kenya is getting agitated at SBS being extremely late, but when she reaches her by phone, she finds out SBS was rear ended in a car accident. The show must go on! Wigs-n-Cigs returns to confront Nene. What better way to kick off this week than to shop for some overpriced doors. Yes, SBS… this means you! The ladies saunter off into the chandelier nook to re-hash the San Francisco treat trip and Porsha has found a juicy nugget on the internet, so you know it must be true. Meanwhile, Lake Bailey is hosting Kandi and Kenya.
The three take seats in the zen den to get down to it. Kenya does the backpedal, twirl, and side-step, but eventually promises Cynthia she will produce receipts.
Porsha is on a mission to get her groove back. Porsha drills down to what she is looking for — a man who wants a family and she is down with the swirl.
I can tell you right now what makes this bitch tick, a couple of field mice and some AA batteries. Porsha reveals two spare bedrooms for a boy and a girl and a playset in the back yard, which came with the house. Porsha heads off for her first blind date with Patrick. Guuuurl… she put on her best Spanx for this, he can at least put on a pair of black trousers! In probably the funniest scene of the night, Porsha walks in to the restaurant and as soon as she sees his bald, shiny head, she does a on her stiletto.
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In what world is this man her type? Clearly, the matchmakers the Bravo Intern found in the yellow pages are unqualified. Porsha deftly sets up her trap-door and as he flashes his Bugs Bunny teeth, she pulls the ripcord. Sake bombs for everyone! What a waste of an outfit and a wig. In Kandi news, Baby Ace is learning to swim and Kandi is trying to spend more quality time with Riley. Hey Riley, get your shit together, you little ingrate! Now go dip some chicken fingers into some honey mustard with your mama! Papa Smurf is drooling over her, undressing her with his beedy eyes, all the while she entertains his greezy innuendos.
She hints at having more percentage of ownership and is prepared for a lifetime of sickening interaction with this man if she is to recoup her losses. Later, Cynthia heads out for a sizeable boat double date with Will and Kandi and Todd.
Will has defenses prepared, the Steve Harvey thing was a year ago and he declined the reality dating show. Kandi and Cynthia head up to the bow of the boat for some explicitly detailed girl talk. Someone has poured Cynthia way too much champagne, or she is a really rusty dater… she proceeds to tell Will everything she and Kandi discussed. SBS finally has the sit down with her children about the domestic violence she endured while married to Bob.
Jack Daniels arrives and gives her a gold star for completing her homework assignment. Jack asks her about the call and she reveals that Tyrone is her boyfriend and, oh were does he live? Jack Daniels takes a moment to process this and shake his head in haughty derision. He cautions her about being in a fantasy land with prison-bae, it may not be all puppies and bacon after the delousing powder settles. With good behavior, they riding down a rainbow on a unicorn in one to four years! Funny how the tables have turned!
I feel bad for SBS and her poor wiglette choices. Porsha is on the hot mess express to a total meltdown, not to be confused with the underground railroad tepid calamity express. Kandi gets the line of the night: Everyone sleeps it off and they reconvene the next day in full hangover gear — baggy clothing, hats, and large sunglasses. SBS hopes Nene has reinforced her bun with extra bobby pins, but she is sporting a high pony, which is essentially the leftover, undone bun. All aboard the trolley to hell, Kenya discusses leaving early to bury her grandmother.
Porsha gets teary eyed and excuses herself, Cynthia heads to the back of the trolley to be sure she is all right and relays her own story of being put through the emotional threshing machine that is Nene Leakes. How did you get there Porsha? Underground railroad, wrong continent! Later at the hotel, Marlo has reserved a conference room in the business center to stage the mock wedding, complete with a carboard cut out with a question Marc on the face.
There is some concern about how Kenya will respond, but Kandi reminds us that Kenya did throw a tasteless divorce party on the last Bravo mandated getaway to the depths of hell-fire. Porsha has recruited a bunch of men in spandex to serve as mock-guests, and they are equipped with fake doves to fling at the bride.
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Surprisingly, Kenya takes it like a champ, but leave Porsha to drop Flat Marc on the floor during the ceremony. The final day of the trip, SBS decides that a four-hour commute to Napa is in order. On the hot mess express, Porsha gets waylaid in the bathroom because she had to bust a deuce. She gets stuck with the last seat in the train car, directly across from her two arch-enemies, Kenya and Kandi. Does Flat Marc realize whom he has married? The train is finally at the station, and they roll up to the Raymond vineyard.
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Surprisingly, Porsha sabres the champagne bottle on the first try. Kenya decides to point out the single ladies so that JC can focus his flirting on them. SBS makes an astute observation, now we know how Marlo affords all her designer clothes and fancy cars. After Kenya leaves the group, the ladies head out to a special dinner at the vineyard. Perfect segue for the ladies to question the existence of Flat Marc and Marlo takes a quick show of hands on who thinks the marriage is real.
Her red solo cup runneth down her gullet one too many times. Wigs ends up chucking her perfectly good iPhone across the room, destroying some glassware in the process.
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Over at Porsha Palace, Porsha and Lauren have moved on to naming and creating backstories for each of their wiglettes. Nene has her intern sweep up the glass and then the dust mites sit down to settle and re-hash. Cynthia has lost her spine again and defends Kenya six ways from Sunday. Cynthia is acting like a kindergarten teacher — Now Nene, I want you to acknowledge that Kenya was on best behavior tonight and she deserves a gold star next to her name on the board. Nene is having none of this and senses a serious issue with her former BFF Cynthia.
In the same breath that she says she worries about not spending enough time with Baby Ace, she accepts the offer from SBS to get away for the healing San Francisco girls trip from hell.
Cynthia and Noelle go to a cupcake decorating shop because their conversations are so boring, they need to base them around a bizarre activity. Cynthia is elbow deep in baby pink buttercream when Noelle tells her that she is not moving to Charlotte after all because she wants to live her own life first before committing to a man. Cynthia stops by to offer some badly dressed consolation. Kenya is taking solace in the fact that Marc met her grandmother before she passed and feels that she held on until she knew Kenya had found love.
Nice sentiment, now throw your glad rags and a suitcase and get to the airport! Meanwhile, across town in another packing for the Bravo mandated trip from hell montage, Nene is concocting her evil brew. She has invited Marlo as her plus one under the guise of Marlo having a trip to California already planned, to go see a man about a horse. As the ladies are riding in the limo to the hotel, Kenya decides to play a game of when was the last time you had relations with a man!
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This is totes stupid, but I am thankful for the super juicy nugget derived from this scene. Does Jack Daniels know about this?!?!? They arrive at Hotel Via and Nene smells weed. Marlo is dressed like an over the hill Playboy bunny. Anyhoo, before anyone can take a dayum drink, SBS launches into the shit stirring. These two are basically employing the toddler tactic whereby they repeat the same thing the other says. Allow me to demonstrate:. Her top-knot is unraveling like an undercooked Cinnabon, along with her psyche. Top-knot ninja, Marlo, sneaks in, gently rewinds the bun, making it look a tad better and more secure in the process.
Ahh Marlo, you grow on us like the fungus we never knew we wanted. The F-Bombs start flying and we end there. This holiday season, my red Solo cup runneth over.
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